It sounds better when you pretend that you are Count Dracula and say it with a thick Transylvanian accent: “I got vaxxed” but then you might misunderstand me and think I recently visited a beautician. I definitely did not do that. I gave up the pornstar smooth vijayjay years ago. Sorry, is that too much information? I feel that way about talking about the vaccine too, to be honest. It feels like a personal decision that maybe I don’t need to broadcast about…
But at the same time, there’s a part of me that believes in the value of sharing our stories as I’ve noticed that when we share, especially if we can be honest and vulnerable, it really does help to foster a sense of connection between us - even when we might have experiences and opinions that differ completely.
So, in the spirit of connection, here’s my vaccination story…
I guess I started out feeling, what you might call ‘Vaccine Hesitant”. I heard the bad press about the vaccine and didn’t want to be part of any trial, nor did I want my family to - even though my Mum was practically banging down the doors to the local doctors office like she was one of those folks at the Black Friday Sales in America freaking out to get the discount King Bed linen. Me, however, I just wanted to see how it all went down before I went there.
At the same time, I was conscious of how my decision was totally reflective of my privilege. I heard about friends in India who were living with death all around them due to the virus and how there was no opportunity for many to shelter in place safely - the only thing that might save them was a vaccine. The fact that I could consider waiting to see about the vaccine before taking it was due to the fact that where I am, the risk of contraction was very low and I could move about without too much danger - to the shops, to the beach, bike around town. Sheltering in place here was pretty cruisey. The only thing I had to complain about was my children being a bit overwhelming. And so, I’m ashamed to admit, what motivated me to get off my bum and get the the jab was when someone was hospitalized here who had been around the local area visiting many places and not checking in or using any safety precautions as he didn’t believe the virus was real. Suddenly the threat felt more real to me and I was prompted to act. Even though I had heard the pleas from the music industry and the hospitality industry and artists and small business owners everywhere that we need to get jabbed to save those industries, even though I understood that those who are immunocompromised need those of who can get vaccinated to do it. And while I did feel somewhat compelled for those reasons, nothing moved me to actually take action until it felt like there was a direct threat to my safety. Then suddenly I was on the phone and calling to find out if there was any Astra Zeneca at a clinic near me.
I’m working on being compassionate with myself for this.
I acknowledge that I could have been far quicker to jump to it. That would be in alignment with my value of community care. And while my age group wasn’t yet eligible for the Pfizer vaccine when I made my booking, so on paper, it didn’t look like I was just looking out for myself, I know that I was happy to wait until as late as possible to make up my mind about it all when others don’t have that luxury, which isn’t community minded.
Strange that the person who helped me to realize that I did want to get the vaccine was the person who was making a stand against it. The threat he posed to the community and his being hospitalized gave me pause to consider what it might be like to get sick. I thought of him receiving treatment and realized that if I got sick, i’d want to take whatever medicine was available to save my life.
So why wasn’t I braver sooner? Why wasn’t I one of the first to line up to have whatever vaccine was available?
The simple truth: I was scared of having an adverse reaction to the vaccine and that felt a more near and real danger than the risk of infection - until this dude came to town.
I chatted to my neighbour over the back fence about my fears and my reasons for getting the vaccine the day before I went for my first injection. I live in Mullumbimby which is often touted in the headlines as being ‘the antivax capital of Australia’ but despite this, you might be surprised to know that small businesses and large around here are all doing the QR code and safety mask thing. It’s not like everyone here is QAnon and thinks that the virus is a hoax (though some must I suppose). I wonder if that’s due to the fact that many of the folk who are anti vaccine here were actually anti vaccine before Covid19 and before QAnon existed? My suspicion is that if you were to drill down into the sentiments and logic of those who are against vaccines here in Mullum you might find that the ‘Byron Wellness Folk AntiVax trope’ that suggests the anti vaxxers here are all QAnon followers and think it’s all a hoax doesn’t exactly ring true.
For example, my neighbour. He is not getting the vaccine. He is not a follower of QAnon, nor does he doubt that the virus is real, however, he is not comfortable with the indemnity afforded producers of the vaccine. His father used to work in landscaping and apparently his Dad always believed his employers when they told him the Round Up he was using was perfectly safe. He developed skin cancer as a result of his exposure to that product. My neighbour never sought any compensation for his father’s death though there was a class action lawsuit. He felt it would be too painful. He said it makes his heart feel heavy knowing that his father’s illness was caused by a product that was known to be toxic and that his dear Dad was mislead. Another friend of my neighbour is one of the Thalidomide babies. Those experiences have left him feeling wary of believing ‘blindly’. He wants some assurances. I understand his hesitation. Hearing his story made me feel hesitant too.
My social media feed is full of both sides of the vaccine debate. I guess that’s the blessing and the curse of being tuned into social justice advocates and working in a field that has a lot of antivax sentiment. (To learn more about conspiracy in the yoga community tune into the Conspirituality podcast or read Matthew Remski’s work or watch this short doco)
By the time I was able to get an appointment I had already had lots of exposure to the arguments put forth by both sides. And while I initially lacked conviction the more I read the more I was motivated to get the vaccine. However, naturally, I suppose, when I finally booked, all the fears really started to bubble up that had unconsciously made me reluctant to begin with. By the time I was actually at my appointment (and after my chat over the back fence) I was feeling quite nervous with a bit of a knot in my belly.
Another older woman who was there must have sensed it as she admitted that she was terrified even as she sat there waiting to be called. “My children are making me get it, God love ‘em” she told me.
I confessed I felt scared too. But, I told her, I am also reminding myself about all the good things I have read about the vaccine. “It was developed by a team of women. And I heard that they declined to patent it - even though they could have made a mint! - in order to make it more affordable. I like remembering that they were not motivated by profit” I shared, a lump in my throat as I said it. “I definitely believe in natural medicine, meditation, the power of belief and nourishing myself with great food and sunshine but I also believe that vaccines are good medicine, developed by good people, with good intentions in mind.”
I told her about something I had read online:
“I trust my immune system” is such a weird reason not to get the vaccine. Yeah, I trust mine to protect me too, which is why I gave it a detailed dossier on what the virus looks like so it can handle it.”
”I like thinking about my getting a vaccine as a way I’m supporting my immune system rather than it indicating any lack of faith in it.”
The conversation lulled and I stood feeling the current of emotion running through me. After a few moments, she looked at me with a smile “Thanks for telling me that. That IS good to remember.”
Later when I was at home again I started to feel pretty ordinary. Just deathly tired really. I was able to have a midday nap and as I was sleeping I recalled having glandular fever as a child and woke up a bit surprised not to be in my childhood bed I had been so thoroughly transported there in my sleep. It was as if this feeling of fatigue triggered that memory of illness characterised by fatigue. While I was having this extremely tired feeling I did start to feel the concerns about vaccine safety surface again. “What if i’ve made a big mistake?” I thought to myself once. I remembered though, a great thread I had read about how the vaccine works: It exposes your body to instructions for how to make a protein that’s part of the virus. In response your cells make a bunch of ‘arsehole Covid protein’. When your immune system gets wind of this it gets to work on fighting it. That’s when you feel a bit shitty after having the vaccine - when your body is fighting the protein. So I concentrated on the fact that my body is feeling this way because it is learning how to fight Covid and this is my immune system doing it’s drills and getting prepared should we ever need to do battle with the real thing. Just my cells ‘working on their fitness’. (Sorry if a Black Eyed Peas song just started playing in your head).
Less than a few days later and I felt back to normal. There was also a feeling of gratitude that was present. I was overwhelmed by a flood thankfulness for modern medicine and the fact that I live in a place where the vaccine is available to me. By the time I got my second jab I was no longer fearful and the feeling of gratitude was amplified. I let myself think about all the dear ones that I long to see and was imagining being reunited with them. It was a quiet yearning that I had pushed aside while the opportunity to be with them was so remote. Now I let myself go there in my mind and thanked my lucky stars that it might soon be possible.
I received my medicare notification that I suppose is the ‘Vaccine Passport’ thing with mixed feelings. I was chuffed at the idea of being able to go places (see my beloveds) but devastated at the thought that there are many who will not be receiving the same privileges. I don’t want anyone to feel coerced. I don’t make my son wear sunscreen when he protests. I just explain to him that he has to stay in the shade. And I guess there’s a parallel with the vaccine passport thing. It’s a way of saying please don’t get it if you really don’t want it but also, please don’t go anywhere where you might contract the virus and unwittingly pass it on to others.
My goodness it does feel like there must be another way though? Wouldn’t it be great if there was a solution that gave everyone a sense of respect and dignity and freedom AND kept people safe. I just don’t know yet how that might work. None of this is very ideal.
So anyway, that’s my story. I’m vaxxed but not waxxed. I hope it helps keep us all safe. I don’t know for sure that it will but it feels like the best i can do right now for myself and my community.